Why I Dance

Dancing has always been a part of my life. I would feel helpless if I could not dance. For me its a connection. I am real sometimes raw and aggressive. I always find that I can release whatever energy that may be flowing through my being. Sometimes I don't know what I'm feeling until I let go. I have discovered so many things about myself through movement. When I was young I always wanted to be a Broadway dancer or a Las Vegas Showgirl. I was fascinated by the costumes, lights and open space to move about. To fantasize about these things would help me escape the reality of a difficult and abusive relationship I had with my parents. I knew there was something out there for me but because of the dysfunction of my family life I never thought I was good enough, tall enough or pretty enough to become a professional dancer. If I had stronger role models in my life at that time I know I could have made it happen. When I was a teenager I used to pretend I was in a rock and roll music video and rehearse routines at my grandmothers house in the back yard. I also fantasized about being watched by the band and that they would discover me and rescue me. I'd pretend Vince Neil or Steven Tyler were watching me audition, fall in love with me and take me around the world. I wanted the attention so bad but wasn't old enough to audition for any music videos. Went to a lot of concerts though. I always lied when it came to going out to the Hollywood clubs. I was 15 and looked 22. Still searching for that connection I was able to meet some friends in my late teens early twenties and we would go to these sober dances. These dances were for all ages so it was perfect for me. We danced until we couldn't stand on our feet. The music was always cool and I always felt emotion when I was on the dance floor. I would get a natural high just from dancing. I would always practice new moves in the mirror and wanted them to look and feel sexy. Well it worked. I got a lot of attention and a lot of dates. Dancing back then was a bit different than how it is now. We didn't simulate fucking while we danced but there was a lot of hip grinding, hair flipping and rocking out. As I got older and experienced life a bit while being away from my dysfunctional family, is when I started to become more creative. My self esteem was always low but I eventually grew out of that. One day I met this chick in a bathroom at a nightclub. What she said changed my life forever. She was a tall redhead about 30, smokin hot with an attitude to match her fiery hair. I was complaining about something and she turned to me and said "Honey, if you can't beat em, join em"! Now that I think about it I think she was a he... oh well I couldn't tell back then. Something so simple and witty was so right on. For some reason I felt an instant relief. Those words of wisdom eased my soul and helped me to feel less competitive around other women. Which later on helped me deal with my self esteem issue. So thanx to the hot redhead I met at Sinamatic back in the 90's. Sinamatic and Club Fuck were the edgiest clubs in Hollywood at the time.
I experimented with the underground fetish scene and met some pretty amazing people. That's how I started go-go dancing at the clubs. What a thrill! Wigs, make-up, outfits, high heels I was in heaven.
Go-go dancing is not easy. I had to dance my ass off for like three hours straight with no break. That's like running on a treadmill for three hours. Glad I did that when I was young. But that's how it all started for me. I wouldn't change a thing. All of my experiences have led me here and have helped me through some very tough times. When I dance I like to imagine my body as the instruments that are playing. My hips become drums, my body becomes a guitar, my legs become a saxophone my head tosses to the beat my arms extend the keyboards. If I can feel the music I can feel my dance. Every song becomes an emotion. When I pole dance I can express my current mood. I never rehearse my pole dancing I adjust my moves to act out the song. Stripping was the best thing that ever happened to me. I am not ashamed of who I've become.